Bike Messenger

Hanging around the courthouse

2005-10-28T17:50:00.000-07:00

One of the many great things about being a bike messenger is you are invisible. Nobody notices you because you are nobody.

So they talk in front of you, thinking you are mentally retarded and don't understand anyway. After a while, you stop being pissed off and make notes instead.

Today's story/rumor/scuttlebutt was that with toadie Miers out of the way, George II will appoint Sen. Clinton to the court, that way taking her out of the running for 2008 and ensuring the Bush Dynasty for three more elections until Chelsea is eligible.

Where is a Roosevelt when you need one?

Remember, you heard it here first.

How to know when the lawyer is gonna lose

2005-10-26T17:33:00.000-07:00

I've been a full time bike messenger for over six years. Most days I learn something new, that's what keeps it interesting.

Something I noticed several years ago was that the weight of a pleading's exhibits runs in inverse proportion to the attorney's likelihood of obtaining a favorable result for their client. In other words, if you don't have a case, paper them with bullshit.

So the losing counsel's motion runs something like "plaintiff's exhibit A shows that defendant wronged the plaintiff". Then they helpfully attach the entire text of Prosser's torts in the hope that the defendant's counsel will find something relevant, bring it to their attention and lead them out of the bog.

This strategy actually has a better chance of succeeding than an alternate.

The attorney cites a case from 1792 by a lower court. Unfortunately, the Supreme Court overturned it in Marbury (1 Cranch 137). They know they aren't going to win, but they photocopied every journal article from every law school referencing Marbury since 1803 and attached it as an exhibit. It filled ten file boxes and really pissed of the judge but.....

The got 200 billable hours at 275 per, stuffing dimes in the photocopier at the county law library. Their client thinks they tried and will probably pay the bill.

And I got payed $2.97 to take the 10 file boxes to the county clerk, where they will sit, unread, until the Prophet Zarquon returns on the last day.

The only satisfying thing is the judge fined the attorney $10 for contempt.

Ah, Justice.

la la lawyer land

2005-10-18T17:31:00.000-07:00

One of the great things about being a bike messenger in this great city is learning the intricate workings of the civil court system. Why is that great? If you afraid of heights and take up sky diving, you overcome your fear. Most Americans are afraid of lawyers, not me.

I deal with them daily.

One of my clients has multiple clients who are all alter egos of Daniel Cadle, an entrepreneur who buys expired credit card debt. Danny buys charged off accounts from major credit card companies for literally pennies on the dollar, assigns them to a paper corporation with no assets (Danny isn't stupid) and then sues the creditor for the original value of the debt, plus interest.

The trick is, the credit card company knows that the statute of limitations is expired so they sell it really cheap. That basically means the creditor still owes the money, but cannot collect because it is too old, they missed their chance. Danny counts on Lawyerphobia.

Danny sues them anyway, most people freak out, do the ostrich head thing and Danny gets a default judgement because the defendant didn't bother to to file an answer saying "go to hell".

Danny isn't stupid. The default judgement is real, sometimes at 18 percent interest since 1996. Then he goes after their house etc. He buys the loan for 50 dollars and sometimes collects 30,000 dollars, all because people are afraid of lawyers and law.

Danny also isn't stupid enough to set foot in this state because a few years ago he pissed off a judge and there is a warrant out for him, 180 days state jail for contempt.

It's kind of cool what you can learn being a bike messenger.

Flat tires and neighbors

2005-10-15T04:09:00.000-07:00

I got a flat last night on the way home from work, since I was feeling lazy and didn't have a spare tube I just walked off the remaining two miles.

In two miles of what is not even remotely a good neighborhood, I was offered three rides, two inner tubes, one lady offered to fix the flat for me and I was offered one beer, which I accepted. All of this from total strangers in a major city.

Pretty cool knowing what real people are like.

My buddies at the IRS

2005-10-08T03:34:00.000-07:00

I got a little pink card in the mailbox on Thursday saying I had not one but two certified letters from the IRS waiting for me at the post office.

A major issue for the bike messenger industry (we're sweating, so it's an industry) is the practice of calling messengers "independent contractors." By calling us contractors, the companies avoid employment taxes. They don't have to pay them because we aren't employees. The messengers have to pay instead. This is essentially the social security and medicare tax, 15.3 percent of every dime we make, deductions don't count against this. This is on top of "income tax".

The result of this is that we don't look forward to getting a refund check every year, despite not making a lot of money in the first place, the US Treasury expects us to contribute 5-6,000 dollars a year to the war in Iraq by April 15th, or preferably earlier.

If every American had to fork over a third of their annual income, in cash, to the IRS every April, there would be a revolt, and nobody would have the money anyway. No bike messenger I ever heard of had the money.

As a result, we are all real tight with the IRS agents at the local office.

So....

The first letter was demanding immediate payment of last years taxes (since I filed and forgot to put the check in the envelope) along with a threat to wreck my non-existent credit and garnish my wages. The second letter notified me that I was in default on my payment plan for all the other money I owe. I've been paying but they make you promise to be a good boy and pay all your future taxes on time, yea right.

So after I had my morning coffee at messenger central, I rode over to IRS central and pulled a number. Since nobody else visits the IRS in October, a nice lady immediately waved me into her government issue cubicle.

I pulled out a spare manifest and a pen, took off my bag, sat down and told her in a shaky voice that I really didn't know what the letters meant but that I didn't have any money because we hadn't been paid yet and anyway I was already late on my rent.

If you have to deal with a bureaucrat, never, never walk in armed with paper. Play dumb, let them drive, tell them you don't understand.

As I took notes on my manifest, the nice IRS lady gave me a lecture on the importance of paying my taxes on time, my responsibility as a citizen and the importance of my monetary contribution to the various war efforts. Then she pushed a couple of buttons, reinstated the payment plan with 2004 added on.

With fingers crossed, I promised to have six grand, cash, by next April, like a good American.

I thanked her and bailed, resisting the temptation to say "see you next October."

I was out the door in under 15 minutes with the threat of wage garnishments lifted for another year. My dispatcher never even noticed I was gone.

I will probably never actually get caught up but when I finally get runover by a bus, they can seize my sweaty blood-stained bag and my beat to shit bike.

Compulsive Gamblers

2005-10-06T03:40:00.000-07:00

Everybody thinks bike messengers are compulsive gamblers.

"I'll bet you hate it when it's this hot"

"I'll bet you have it when it's cold"

"I'll bet you hate this rain"

Reality is, they are wrong, none of those are a problem if you have the right gear. What a bike messenger really hates is wind. The forecast for today is 20 MPH out of the north.

Doesn't sound like much? Combine that with thousand foot tall buildings built only a few feet apart and remember that most of making a bike go is overcoming aerodynamic resistance and it has the potential to be a really suck ass day. In places, the wind on the street will be hurricane force.

The good part is, if I hang out on the right corner I can watch lawyers bowling down the sidewalk like wool tumbleweeds. Lawyers don't read weather reports, there aren't any billable hours.

Looking like a Bike Messenger

2005-10-05T02:52:00.000-07:00

Bike Messengers tend to have a distinctive look (and smell). The reason is that if you are going to carry stuff around on a bike for 50 hours a week, you need to be wearing the right stuff to be efficient and comfortable.

Unfortunately, some of the equipment you end up wearing is expensive so you wear it until it is worn out. As a result, things like bags, shoes, shorts and helmets develop a distinctive patina that absolutely scream "bike messenger" even when you aren't working.

The thing is, you are in a social situation, beginning a great conversation, but everything about your being says bike messenger and most people translate that to mean convict, addict, loser. It really gets in the way of meeting interesting people and developing relationships.

The stupid thing is I see so many people trying so hard to look like a messenger (and never getting there because only enough time on a bike will do the trick) when all it will do is make them an outcast.

Turn Signals

2005-09-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

This is mostly a test to see if I can actually use this system.

I have a thing about turn signals. Everybody driving a car seems to think that a bicycle is some kind of slow moving toy. It doesn't matter if I am actually exceeding the speed limit, anyone with a motor will speed past and then turn right, invariably without a signal, to cut me off. The cutting off I can excuse, but why not at least use a turn signal? It is a little bitty stalk that you just have to nick with your twinkie.

I always use turn signals, although it requires more effort. If I am waving a cigarette, I am turning left. If I am waving a beer, I am turning right.

It's only common courtesy.

Introduction

2005-09-30T19:34:00.000-07:00

OK, GOOD MORNING!

Nobody is reading this so I can ramble a bit.

To begin with, I am a Bike Messenger, one of the best. I work for the largest company in one of the biggest cities in the United States. I am the highest paid courier at my company. I didn't get there the easy way, I have busted the hemoroids on my ass for a lot of years to get where I am, which is basically nowhere.

Bike Messenger on a resume is roughly equivalent to Felon.

Nevertheless, I hold more than one college degree and know far more law than most attorneys. I just can't tell anyone (bar association disapproves of that).

The thing is, bike messengers do the grunt work of the legal system. Bike messengers file the petitions, motions, chase Judges for orders, do the research and all for no credit. I know every Clerk and Judge in one of the most litiguous counties in North America and still some dumbass paralegal or lawyer wants to tell me how the system works.

So, this is my blog. I am going to model it on Anonymous Lawyer, one of my heros, at least he knows how assinine the system is.

I'm going to tell stupid lawyer and paralegal stories, all of them true, and when they figure out who it is I will be fired. That's OK because that is about the only way to get out of this business.

I might also tell some stories about bicycles...